Can You Sue Yourself for Pooping Your Own Pants?: A Legal Analysis

1. Overview

In 2012, actor Frank Ocean released the startling confessional-album, “Life of Pablo“.

In that album, Ocean declared that he was bisexual, writing in the hit song “Highlights”, that “I bet me and Ray J would be friends”. As readers of the blog know, ‘Ray J’ is a polysyllabic collection of nonsensical consonants and vowels designed to communicate a willingness for gay sex.

However, none of this prepared the American Public for Ocean’s next album – Endless.

“Endless” is a term used by Ocean to describe the reasons an adult male may have to poop their pants. Perhaps they are opposititionally defiant, or perhaps an elevator has lingered at a floor longer than need be.

Perhaps this exact situation has happened, but with poop:

Essentially, Ocean’s latest work was a passionate polemic highlighting a systemic social issue and begging for understanding.

In that sense, Ocean’s work is a tangible application of Orientalist theories of Edward Said in the context of the American Empire. This is why, upon release, Salman Rushdie called Endless “the defining postcolonial text of our generation” and then fucking died of joy, bro.

However, where Ocean’s work stops, mine begins. Essentially, Ocean has explicated the crisis, but that does not change that, every day, more Americans are pooping their pants. This is a current issue that requires current action.

This is my action.

2. Access to Justice, For Pooped Pants

As readers recall, I attended the Harvard School of Fuck You Colin Kaepernick where I graduated with a 6.9 and an honors degree in the doctorate of the postdoctural law medicine. One of my passions during that time was Access to Justice, or, as we in the business call it, A2J.

Essentially, the goal is to make legal information easily accessible for private citizens to develop implementational strategies for proactive self-help over the traditional barrister-retainment model. This allows skullfuckingly dumb filth like yourself to play at law, so you can watch professionals like Tom Kavanaugh rawdog the American public.

So, continuing the work of Frank Ocean, I have decided to provide legal information relating to this pressing issue. Note that I do this in my free time from my current job as Vice President at an unidentified organization.

So, if you would like to support Access to Justice, please E-Transfer either $69 CAD or $420 USD to mike.pence@russianbackchannel.gov.

3. The Issues

As identified above, there are infinite reasons to poop your pants. Here are a few, sourced from my own personal life:

  1. Mother Karen won’t get.
  2. Noise won’t stop.
  3. It lives inside.
  4. Dog can, me too.

Now, as I said, these may not be your reasons. As a big lodestar aged man, I have grown to realize that not all other persons share identical relationships with Mother and Mother Karen that I do, even though they should and are expected to change. In fact, it will be my first order once I am named President of these moist sensually United of States. I mean, once Mike President Pence runs in 2020.

However, note that, no matter what you seem to think, I am not claiming to be Mike Pence. No collusion, unless there was, in which case Hilary did it and made us pretend as part of a deep state.

4. Other Issues

However, the issues for discussion are primarily based around the legality of the situation and not my scheme to keep my pants forever secret from Mother Karen. Specifically I am discussing hypothetical situations where monetary damages from the pooping of ones pants may be recoverable at common law.

This is because Time and time again people will walk into my office, pants full of poop and wallets empty of cash.

They say to me, “Mike Pence, I need help.”

And I say, “I am not acknowledging that I am Mike Pence. I am not saying that; coming out to this identity would be a substantial revelation akin to a private citizen coming out as a gay man, and I would never admit to either.”

I clean some of his cum off my chest and continue, “What do you expect me to say? I am Mike Pence, and I am a gay man? I am not saying that. I would never say that. Nothing I say implies or states in any way that Mike Pence is a gay man. I would never try to communicate that Mike Pence is a gay man and I have no knowledge whatsoever that Mike Pence is a gay man and I do not intend to communicate that Mike Pence is a gay man. Anyways, I’ll help with the thing.”

“Thanks Mike Pence,” they say, and I advise the client of their legal jeopardy accordingly. That’s right, Mikey P has a fucking law degree.

Again, nothing in this column should be taken as a claim, explicit or implicit, that I am Gay Mike Pence. I could be someone else, and I could be straight. Indiana has had many Vice Presidents.

5. Suing Yourself

These are defined by the Unfashionable and Unfair Canada Revenue Agency to mean “a corporation [that] carries on to provide services to another entity (such as a person or a partnership) that an officer or employee of that entity would usually perform”.

One of the principles of corporate law is seperate personhood. The corporation model limits liability by creating a secondary artifice, a legal person, that is limited in relation to the first person to the size of their initial investment. Where there once was a person, in the eyes of the law, there are now two people. This is so critical if you want to sue yourself for pooping your own pants.

One of the principles of fundamental justice is cogito ergo sum, which roughly translates (you dumbfucks can’t latin) to that no one can judge their own case. Fundamentally, this thereby requires adversaries to justify the imposition of civil procedure and similar mechanisms of dispute resolution.

So, at a basic level, a Person must be able to say “you caused damage” and a seperate Person must say “I did not” and they must battle for the amusement of a rich, white, elderly man, who will then tell them what should be done.

As such, for you two sue yourself, you must be people.

6. Unintentional Poops as Negligence

In most cases, people do not intentionally poop their own pants. I have catalogued my last ten incidents, with the help of mother:

  1. Intentional
  2. Negligent (Inauguration)
  3. Negligent (Inauguration)
  4. Negligent (Inauguration)
  5. Negligent (Inauguration)
  6. Negligent (Inauguration)
  7. Intentional (Inauguration)
  8. Negligent (Inauguration)
  9. Negligent (Inauguration)
  10. Intentional

As you will note from the above, 70% of the incidents were unintentional. I discussed with my colleagues in the poop community, and all reported similar findings, usually much higher. I did, however, note that the majority of the fecal transactions occurred in a 16 minute speech. This may be way commentators noted that Mike Pence had surreptitiously grown in height over the course of the inaugural address.

Anyways, negligence is:
  1. A breach, in
  2. A duty, which
  3. Causally resulted, in
  4. Damage, that is
  5. Not too remote to allow recovery.

So, at a basic level, you would need a duty not to poop your pants, a poop in your pants, and a financial damage from the situation.

It would be extremely straightforward to execute a Non-Poopage Agreement with explicit exculpatory provisions negating intent being taken as a waiver of right. However, this would ground damages in contract, and not in tort. You would also need to execute a memorandum of understanding with your personal services business and create a commercial atmosphere in which the personal services business would be seen by an officious bystander to rely on you for the non-pooping of your own pants. The pants would also need to be legally owned by the Personal Services business.

Then, find an insurer to underwrite the pants, but explicitly do not subrogate rights of litigation. You must do this yourself.

Then, when the poop comes, as it does, the Personal Service Business (you) will be able to sue Yourself for recovery of the damage: new pants. And, if you structured the engagement agreement with the underwriters properly, the insurer will pay for the clothing.

That is the only way I ever get new clothes. Mother is proud.

7. Intentional Poops as Trespass

If you intentionally poop your pants, then you may find more success bringing a claim in trespass. At Common Law, trespass is:

  1. An intentional interference, with
  2. The possession, of
  3. Another person’s property.

In the case R v Morgentaler (aff’d in Dunsmuir), the Supreme Court of Canada held that a poop may be an interference with property. From the case, Chief JA Rule (as he then was) wrote:

  • “[69] A poop may be an interference with property.”

This clearly supports that poop may be an interference with property. And if it is intentional, then it is intentional. The only issue is possession. In this situation, I have advised hypothetical clients to open a clothing boutique with the pants in open display. Possession is an intent to excercise control, and this demonstrates that.

Then, the client would intentionally conduct the poop in the pants. The business would then sue.

8. Did You Poop So Hard You Died?

People might die of pooping all the time. I don’t know, I’m not a fucking doctor. And if that happens, you want to be prepared.

In this circumstance, one may give the Personal Services Business, in trust, to a trusted friend, Perhaps Mother, but never Mother Karen. Then, name yourself executor of the trust.

That way, Mother has a beneficial interest in the Personal Services Businesses, while the client retains legal possession. This allows them to have the possession necessary to ground a claim in trespass, and the beneficiary of the trust (Mother) will be able to sue the estate (Mother Karen).

This is what I have done.

Mother said it would keep me safe.

That Mother Karen was not the one who would keep me safe. Only she will. Other Mother Karen wants to hurt me.

Mother is a lodestar and it is the only way.