The World Today [Humor]

When Bob Dylan wrote his big 1995 hit “The Times Sure Are Changing” he had no idea just how right he was. 1995 was a different time: man had just walked on the moon, musician Scott Walker released his multi-platinum selling album Tilt and then left music to pursue a political career, Newt Gingrich was still cheating on his cancer-stricken now-ex-wife, and Pepsi was about to launch their new product “Lime Pepsi”, something that would change the world forever. As you can tell, things were much simpler then. Now, gays can serve openly in the military while our children can’t celebrate Christmas. That’s not the America I grew up in.


Rick Perry knows what the score is.

Now, 9/10 Historians agree that the world has never been worse than it is today. A muslim vice-president, poor people getting healthcare, women. All factors contributing to the moral degradation of this once-great country. Ted Cruz would have fixed all this, if only America gave him a chance.

So, join us for Part 1 of our 51 Part series as we look at The World Today and try to figure out just where it all went wrong.


Part 1: The Chicago Soda Ban

Many cities were hit hard by the tragic events of September 11, 2001, but no city was hit as hard as Chicago, Illinois. Chicago was a city lost amid a disaster, looking for a direction, a way to move forward. Chicagoans did their best to try and rebuild their city but there was no guiding beacon to show their way, no Ted Cruz in the darkness. Unfortunately for Chicago, there were dark days behind them and dark days ahead.

Enter real-life villain Michael Bloomberg. A corrupt Japanese-Expatriate, Bloomberg is perhaps most famous for personally financing and overseeing the Iran Contra scandal in the early eighties. A devout Catholic, Bloomberg was no stranger to the American Political scene. He had been elected to Congress in the mid-sixties until he was forced to leave after an incident on Chappaquiddick Island. Clearly Bloomberg was already no stranger to bad press.

Bloomberg watched with disdain as Chicago, Illinois attempted to rebuild itself. He ultimately observed the one rallying principle keeping the city together, their god-given right of freedom. Families all around Chicago were using their freedom to attend church, father legitimate children with their wives, and, yes, drink extra-large soda. Bloomberg, an outspoken advocate of Soviet-style death camps, sought to eradicate this freedom.

Through a combination of trickery and deceit, Bloomberg was able to use his villainous powers to be elected Governor of Illinois. Political Scientists are divided on how this was accomplished, but some believe that Bloomberg’s victory was because he received more votes than his opponent, hard-working American patriot Rod Blagojevich. However it was accomplished, it’s clear Bloomberg used trickery to get put in charge of Illinois.
Bloomberg’s first act as Governor was to outlaw dancing. Passed through the Illinois state legislature on November 15, 2006, this act would levy strict penalties to anyone caught doing the act. This law remained on the books until late-2011 when teenager Ren McCormack danced his way into the heart of Reverend Shaw Moore who successfully appealed the State Legislature to repeal the dancing ban.

Undetered, Bloomberg looked for new ways to hurt the citizens of Chicago, Illinois. The idea came to him one morning when he was hanging out with fellow Real Life Villain Neil Diamond at the local seven eleven. Bloomberg noticed that, after church, hard-working Americans would stop and purchase extra-large non-diet Soda on their way to the gun range where they would responsibly discharge their firearms to make sure they were in proper working order to ensure that they’d be usable in the event that they’d need to use lethal force to stop an intruder or a young African-American boy trying to enjoy a mid-day walk.

Bloomberg saw an opportunity. He sprinted down to the state legislature and committed a political act so heinous that it hasn’t been replicated before or since. He attacked Americans where it hurt most. He outlawed extra-large non-diet Soda. Publicly, Bloomberg reasoned that extra-large non-diet Soft Drinks were linked to diabetes and obesity. He even reasoned that if people wanted that much soda they were free to just buy two large soda drinks instead. Just like in Saddam-era Afghanistan. Privately, he cackled about his close confidant Real Life Villain Neil Diamond about the success he’s had attacking the morale of the American people.

Americans were crushed. Without their extra-large Soda, they no longer felt the need to go to church or remain faithful to their wives. America was forced to repeal their wildly successful “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” military policy after the concept of an All-Straight Alpha Male Military was no longer statistically viable, due entirely to Bloomberg’s evil Soda Ban.

Now, Political Scientists are divided about the effects of Bloomberg’s Soda Ban. Some say that without it the USA GDP would grow at 25% per year indefinitely while others say it would grow by 30. All agree, however, that America would be in a much better place financially and spiritually if Extra-Large Non-Diet Sodas were allowed in Illinois. The ban remains in effect, long-after Bloomberg was impeached for allegedly personally using tear gas in Syria alongside his best friend Real Life Villain Neil Diamond, a reckless criminal act that is both uncorroborated and inexplicable.

I’m not saying that this is the exact turning point that changed America from the glorious, free time of Reagan to the Socialist Death Panels we see today. There are 50 other points in history that signalled a change, all of which will be covered by later versions of this feature. What Bloomberg did is accelerate the downfall. He saw America in a precarious position. America could either follow strong, god-loving patriots like Ted Cruz, David Duke, or Rod Blagojevich or America could follow freedom-hating nihilistic Cultural Marxists like Bloomberg or Real Life Villain Neil Diamond. Bloomberg wanted to tip the scales, so he attacked Americans where it hurt most.

He targeted their soda. Soda.

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