The World Today: The Millenial Scourge and How We Can Fix It

[This is Part 2 of our 51-Part Series on the Problems of the World Today. You can read Part 1 here, where Real Life Villain Michael Bloomberg used Soda to take away our guns]

The problem with lazy millennials is that they never learned to work for anything. They were coddled, from birth, growing up in obscene luxury with their iPod Classics and their bing bongs and their Fandango tickets.

When I was a child, I had to walk uphill through a tsunami in order to even find an Apple Store; now they’re on every block. I had to work for everything I have, unlike do-nothing millennials who were gifted the shirt on their back. They, millennials, don’t work, they spend all day smoking clove cigarettes, they wear slacks when corduroys would be much more tasteful. They truly are the worst generation. When I fought in World War 2, I didn’t fight so rich kids could vape on their skateboards on their way to not-working. I fought for freedom. For America. Millennials only fight to find the television remote, so they can watch pornographic television shows while they marijuana.


How did this happen?

It’s hard to put my finger on exactly where it all went wrong. Barack Hussein Obama didn’t help, but he’s certainly at least partly to blame. B. Hussein O. has coddled the youth of America by helping them get health care, providing them with a positive role model, and helping (along with his wife) ensure that they have nutritious school lunches.

We also can’t dismiss the corrosive effects of Hillary Clinton. During the nineties, she fought tirelessly to increase safety and security in the inner city. Without the threat of violence, people don’t keep up with their cardio (they no longer have to run from attackers, etc.) so they become lazy and lethargic. This degradation in their health has a corresponding moral decay, which of course leads directly into abortion, as people who aren’t afraid of their own lives will NEVER respect the sanctity of the life of an unborn child.

Back in my day, we had polio. It gave us character. We would writhe in agony from our unvaccinated diseases while we waited to be conscripted to be sent off to war, probably to die over a small plot of land or some other apocryphal political goal. Whenever the fear and trembling became too much, we’d stretch out a withering hand to our benevolent overlord and, if we were excruciatingly lucky, Saint Ronald Reagan would smile and direct a general platitude at our plight.

This is the way it is supposed to be.

Life is like falling down a staircase until your neck snaps awkwardly and that’s it. It’s not about Pokemon Go, and it’s certainly not about Fandango. Fucking Fandango–we used to have to go to the theatre to buy tickets by hand, just like God did in the bible. Exodus 25:59, God walketh up to the concession and asketh for two ticks, bro. But that would require them to actually read and I’m not even convinced that millennials are reading their bibles, anymore. They’re so distracted by their jello pudding pop that they don’t stop, open up Exodus 3:14, and read about how Jebediah Spaketh Unto Adam, and all Were Wretched Thenceforth. Great stuff.


How Can We Fix It?

We probably can’t. Millennials are pretty far gone; it might be a good idea to just chalk this generation up as a loss and move on with something good. Just like Ronald Reagan when he gave guns to Iranian Rebels. However, there’s one man that just might be able to fix things.

Leadership starts at the top, and right now our country has NO leadership. We just have people like B. Hussein O., trying to run a country as if it’s a representative government instead of an alpha-male demagoguery. What America needs now isn’t a President, but a hella straight, ripped-as-fuck Reagan-esque figure of hope.

That’s right, America needs a big-dick bastard like Ted Cruz.

No other candidate has pledged to launch the country into Nuclear War (Reagan would), no other candidate has pledged as vigorously to stop homosexuals from openly and notoriously celebrating their identities, no other candidate will give guns to every man, male child, or little baby boy, and no other candidate is at the gym getting shredded like Ted is 24/7/365.

With a super hot beefcake President like Ted Cruz, millennials will finally have a TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL role model to aspire too. Ideally, we’d also pass laws forcing them to look and act like Ted Cruz, and put the one’s who refuse into Soviet-style death camps, where they work manual labour until they just sort of expire.


Will This Fix the Problem?


3 thoughts on “The World Today: The Millenial Scourge and How We Can Fix It

  1. Oh, man! My sides ache after reading this. And not just because I am from Texas and have the honor of gifting the world with Senator Ted Cruz (though I did not vote for him, I get some of the credit by radiation for living in the same State). You are a writer worth listening to. And rereading it at least three times because words written on the internet don’t make very much actual noise. Thank you for this brilliant article.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. LOL. 2 questions: are clove cigarettes often sold with little plastic filters? And, two, if I stole some with one of my friends from her grandmother when we were 12 does that make me a millennial?


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