A White Man’s Guide to Dealing With the Police

For whatever reason the concept of dealing with the police has been making people anxious lately. This is crazy! The police are there to serve and protect. Still, people have been inundating me with calls and texts asking for tips on how to deal with the police.

Now, police love me, and I assume this is because I know how to deal with them properly and respectfully and for NO OTHER REASON. Police officers often complement me for my articulate disposition and let me know that our exchange was the highlight of their day. Several of the older police chiefs I’ve met on Grindr (an app for STRAIGHT conservatives to meet other STRAIGHT conservatives and work on personal projects) have even told me that they love me.

Clearly I know how to deal with police!

  1. Let the Officer Know that He is Free to Be on His Way: Police Officers are busy men with bustling schedules. They care deeply about you and your experience with them, and sometimes this caring manifests itself in the Police Officer lingering with you longer than he actually needs to be there. If this happens, the Officer would appreciate if you kindly, gently, tell him, “Male Officer, I have appreciated this experience and I have felt us both grow as white men. Unfortunately, our time together has came to an end and I believe we should move on. If you want to talk any more, you can connect with me on LinkedIn.” The Officer will appreciate your sultry honesty and appreciate the opportunity to find you on the internet.
  2. Redeem Your Coupon for New Shoes: sometimes, like spaghetti, life gets messy. You know this, police know this, everyone knows this. But, not a lot of people know that if the blood of a black teenager gets on your shoes (say if you’re walking behind them and the police are conducting a routine stop and frisk), then the police are legally obligated to replace those shoes. However, sometimes officers forget to give you your “Free Shoes” coupon because they are busy planting evidence on the dead teen to make them look like the aggressor. Here, it is not at all impolite to take the officer aside and say, “Listen friend, I am entitled to one Free Shoes coupon, and I intend to collect. I’d like my coupon, please.”
  3. Collect Your Participation Ribbon and Be Sure To Show the Officer Your Collection: now, every white guy knows that officers are supportive of you and your lives and your hopes and dreams. One way this manifests itself in reality is the habitual dispensation of “participation ribbons” to any white male that comes near the police officers. This is done as part of a cycle of positive reinforcement. What’s more, the officer would love to see his ribbon be added to your collection. Seeing a big collection of participation ribbons allows the officer to contextualize his work within the larger oeuvre of policing in general; many officers say that this is the most rewarding part of their work.
  4. Avoid Bringing Up the National Inquiry Into Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women: if Police Officers wanted to hear about things they don’t care about they’d just stay at home and listen to their wives! Avoid bringing up this topic so as to not bore the Police Officer, rendering him tired and lethargic and inefficient at his primary duty, which is protecting citizens from the dangers of driving while black.
  5. When Driving Drunk, Try Mostly to Stick to Back Roads: as a white male, if an officer catches you driving drunk he’ll have no choice but to give you a stern warning. Officers don’t want to have to be stern with you! They would much rather be open and loving with you, pumping you full of hot & ready participation ribbons. Sticking to back roads prevents potential awkwardness and has the added bonus that when you kill someone no one will ever know.
  6. Lie Under Oath: in practice, perjury convictions almost never happen in Canada, especially if you are lying to protect the police. Returning to the teenager example from before, just say that you saw the teenager attack the officer. Easy peasy, Japanesey. The officer will appreciate your support, and you may just score yourself another participation ribbon!
  7. Offer to Call the Officer’s Supervisor and Relay Your Positive Experience: there’s no more rewarding moment in the life of a supervisor than getting a call from a white guy relaying their positive experience. Police Supervisors field calls all day from grieving families whining “why did you kill my son” or the fake-news media asking “why did your officer kill that boy” and they’re sick of it! They will appreciate the variety that your call provides.
  8. Repeatedly tell the Officer that “All Lives Matter” and that “Blue Lives Matter” but for the Love of God Don’t Say “Black Lives Matter”: much like baby turtles, Police Officers are more frightened of you than you are of them. It’s important not to say anything to the officer that may cause them to question their moral intuition, which can lead to panic. And panic, as we all know, can lead to the random discharge of a firearm. No one wants that! Except Liberals, probably.
  9. Tell Sting to Get a Fucking Haircut: it’s very important that if you interact with The Police or any members of The Police that you tell Sting to get a fucking haircut.

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