I Am Part of the Resistance to the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration

President Trump is facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern American leader.

Liberals in the lamestream media doing dumb shit! Also, gay.

It’s not enough that he has a proven track record of cameo appearances in good films (ex. Home Alone 2), or that the United Nations Supreme Court of the World declared Donald Trump innocent of all charges and Robert Squirrel-Tale-Disappearing-Into-A-Tub-of-Mayonaisse-Dick Mueller guilty of being very unfair, or that he literally probably may have stopped a terorist event that would have been literally 9/11 2.

The dilemma – which the resistance inside the Trump administration does not fully grasp – is that Donald Trump is a literal beefcake with six pack abs.

And they are not. I would know. I work with them. Well, they work to me. Lodestar. Most of the White House reports to the Vice President.

Now, everyone knows that freefootballscholarships is a non-partisan news source. That being said, I have always been upfront about my past career in politics. Lodestar. This blog has always been fair to both sides, and that didn’t change when I ran for the House of Representantives and it certainly didn’t change when I was governor of Indiana. Lodestar. Simply, if anything, my current job, ‘Vice President’, gives me greater insight into the political process. Lodestar. Lodestar. Anyone who has ever read this blog – which includes your mom – knows I am fair. This was even when the Democratic candidate in the last election, Ted Cruz, was very unfair and didn’t have a good dick at all. Lodey, lodey, lodestar.

Anyways, getting back to the point.

To be clear, I am not part of the “resistance” inside the Trump administration. Those antifa socialist liberals with the deep state conspiracy probably did 9/11.

They want the administration to succeed, but believe in the pathetic notion of human merit and attack the issue from a delusional upbringing. Essentially, their priviliged upbringing encouraged a recursive cycle of Randian reinforcement. They read the “Fountainhead” when they were 11, and decided they were Mr. Fountainhead. Their wealth allows that decision to go unchecked, never destroyed by the real world, until the first real opposition they encounter is their democratic opponent in a city council race. Now, the conservative thinks they are Mr. Fountainhead, and this Democrat is telling them that because they are the way they are, they must hate women, or minorities, or the elderly, or any identifiable group. Now, Mr. Fountainhead is shocked: he does not hate these people. He simply does not know these people, and does not think of them. This is because the lifestyles of the rich and famous in America are obsequious bundles of self reinforcing affluenza.

Unfortunately, they are the only ones who don’t realize the joke. We, the administration, do not want the adminitration to succeed. We want the President to act in a way that is detrimental to the republic, because instability creates economic opportunity.

It’s like when we did the subprime mortgage crisis in 2008. Who do those dummies think bought the houses? We did.

That is why many Trump appointees have vowed to do what we can to undermine and discredit our democratic institutions. The steel workers we lay off, we rehire at lower rates in entry-level positions.

While it is true that members of the Resistance were appointed by Trump, they show little affinity for ideals long espoused by myself and Mr. Trump: cocaine, extramarital affairs, snorting rails off your mistress, and subsuming cocaine into baked goods. I have never once seen Jeff Sessions season a cake with fresh cocaine, and I have been watching.

Don’t get me wrong. We have crazy parties at the white house. Some of our great parties include: labour day, Kim Jong Un Birthday Party, and arbour day.

But these parties have come despite – not because of – nerds like the Resistance and particularly Jeff Sessions. Speaking personally, despite multiple requests to the contrary, Jeff Sessions has directly and personally refrained from having sex with me.

I know what you’re saying: “Jeff Sessions” is obviously in the resistance. I apologize for the confusion. He is not. He is just a prude.

From the White House to executive branch departments and agencies, senior officials will proudly admit their daily hangover and display their bleeding nostrils as evidence of whatever fleek-ass shit we did the night before. However, again and again, members of this so-called ‘resistance’ insist on trying to govern the country.

This nerdy behaviour would be more concering if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the White House. Scott Baio often comes to these parties. Sometimes we all do cannibalism. These are great group outings that build a team spirit within the government, and I am proud to be a part of it.

“There is literally no telling what Scott Baio might do next,” a top official glimmered to me recently, enjoying the fuck out of his dope life at an awesome party.

The result is a two-party presidency. The cool people party in the West Wing with DJ Mikey P (aka myself, I mean no, it is Vice President Mike Pence), while nerd-losers like, I assume, Ted Cruz hang out in the dumb place and do nerd shit no one has ever cared about.

On Wednesday, for instance, the President did a keg stand on top of the eiffel tower while Condoleeza Rice played the world’s largest mandolin, somewhere off in the distance while birds died all around us. This is objectively cool – and members of the Resistance were not there to witness it.

Given the bizarre and reclusive nature of the resistance, there were whispers of a toga party or a group trip to Ikea. I suggested the latter, as I have recently moved from my former house in the governor’s mansion of Indiana.

I think Friend of the Blog Ted Bundy put it best when he said:

I don’t think anybody doubts whether I’ve done some bad things. The question is: what, of course, and how… and most importantly, why?”

We may no longer have Ted Bundy, but we will always have his examples – a lodestar for restoring fun to the common practices of the modern republican. The Resistance may fear men like Ted Bundy and Donald Trump, but they may also poop, sometimes.

There is an explicit and loud resistance to the resistance resisting Trump’s attempts to resist being bound by restrictive laws.

But the real difference will be made by people like myself. People who see the sort of situation, smile, and look at the mirror and say: “Mike Pence, get ready to be the next president”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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